Friends, I am in the cusps of fears grasp.

For the past few days I have had one too many moments where tears have just fallen from my eyes uncontrollably. And it’s in these moments that I’m reminded I never really wanted to be a creative or an artist, in fact I ran from this for years. But it chased and tackled me like a linebacker (is that what they do?) and now I am neck deep in the madness and truthfully, I have no desire to get back up. But that doesn’t mean this creative life is all fun and games, most of it is work, knee deep, grimmy, messes with your self-esteem and view of reality kind of work.

To be completely honest it’s really hard and I think I’m starting to feel crazy. Some days I’m doing well, life is good, gigs are paying, I’ve got this — you know whatever “this” is. Then the gigs slow down, the money does too and there are days or weeks like this one where I keep waking up just teary eyed, helpless and overwhelmed.

I had to set my pride to the side this month and ask my parents help with rent, after that I thought I was good until another bounced bill showed up in my inbox and then this morning another one. Lord, I just can’t. I know you provide, I know you move, I know you got it, but the unknowing, the inconsistencies, the inability to provide is really starting to claw at any sliver of positivity. What do I do with this?

I am in the cusps of fears grasp, I feel choked by it and there are numerous times this week I felt the strongest urge to start packing, give away some stuff, throw the rest of it in my car and go home where it doesn’t cost me a penny to lay in bed or open a fridge that has more than eggs and turkey bacon in it.

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Before I left home after Thanksgiving, my mom put a frame on my bed (she’s the best at sneaky gifts with the most perfect timing)  the quote on it says,

“You are a success

if you find your life’s purpose and live it.”

I immediately teared up after reading this because it doesn’t say anything about when you make a certain amount of money, or when you’ve traveled to this specific places (or traveled at all), it doesn’t say anything about what we are conditioned in thinking “success” is. Success is not distance, success is not the numbers.

But oh does fear likes when it tangles us up in the numbers. This new system I started for the emails notifies me when people subscribe and unsubscribe and I am quickly learning that I am not one who handles rejection really well (do any of us?) Sure, I can pretend and use my favorite “I’m fine” phrase which is the clearest depiction that I am everything but fine because deep down my emotions are wrestling and my mind is scrolling through all the emails I’ve sent before they decided to walk away-

What did I say that rubbed them the wrong way? Did they mean to unsubscribe? Why do I still have these notifications on? I reached out to one of my favorite writers/ bloggers because she’s a huge inspiration to me and asked her how she handled the coming and going of people, she told me:

“I honestly don’t check numbers. I don’t check subscribers. I don’t look to see who has subscribed or unsubscribed because I can image the numbers game would make me anxious and not true to myself. Babe, you are in this fight whether you have 10 subscribers or 10,000. Put your head down and keep doing the heart work. Focus on the craft, not the crowd. “

Focus on the craft, not the crowd. I’ve never focused on the crowd before, until it started growing and everyone tells you “pay attention to them!” Keep them there! But it’s not about the numbers, it’s not about the crowd because there could be only one of you out there drinking up these words of mine and that would be enough for me because you see me and believe in me enough to stay.

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This morning a collection of “I hear your moments” flooded around me.

1.While lying in bed I scrolled across a facebook status and it read:

“I am thankful for failure in my life that helps me overcome fear of succeeding. Keep at it cause the best is yet to come.”

You can imagine that the floodgates of the eyes opened once again because well, this is where I’m currently at. In the heat and middle of the failing and the fear and having to hold onto the hope that goodness is coming, provision will happen.

2.This song- “I’m no longer a slave to fear, for I am a child of God.”

This has to be my anthem right now because I don’t need fear reaching for my throat and stifling the goodness that’s around me. When you sort through the ashes and debris, life is good…hard really hard but also really good. And I’m not saying that in a “I’m falling apart but you know God is good” kind of way either. I’m saying yes, I’ve had endless waterworks for the past two days and I can’t keep looking at my account because there’s nothing in there and I’m still recovering from having to ask my parents from help because just-ouch. But I can’t let fear win, it can’t keep me here. I’ll keep creating, I’ll keep focusing on the craft and not the crowd.

3. One of my readers sent me an email saying:

FEAR IS A LIAR.

This time, we are rooting for you. 

 Cue tears for the 29754374 time today.

I’ll will wake up, keep reminding myself that I was made for this, this is what I love, messy work, uncertainty, chaos and all, refuse to let fear win and not be so afraid to let people root for me.

my token for you:
Keep at it friends, the best I’ve heard is yet to come.